How To Discipline a Child Without Hitting And Yelling?
The biggest problem with children is that they don’t listen to their parents and most of the times, they are yelled at and smacked because of this. About 89 percent of the parents admit that they use shouting and hitting as a key to control their children and discipline them. It seems useful at that time, but it leaves lifetime scars on their personality.
When most of the parents are told that they are damaging children’s abilities by using wrong ways of teaching them, their first question is ‘how to get kids to listen without yelling?’ And it seems like a difficult task to them as they are not familiar with this kind of parenting. First of all, parents should know why their children are behaving like this; then they will be able to help them out in a better way.
What Makes Children To Disobey Their Parents?
According to child psychology, there are a lot of reasons why children behave in a bad way to their parents and other people. Children, while passing through the stages of personality development, experience many changes and they want to be understood at that time. Here is the stage where parents disappoint them because and they misbehave out of exasperation. Some of the reasons why they don’t listen to you are listed below:
- Parents usually don’t try to get their attention before saying something: Kids might be busy in doing something else and don’t listen to you. This may cause you to think that they are ignoring you and you start yelling at them.
- Parents speak in a loud tone: Nobody likes to be talked to in an insulting tone. When you talk to your children in a loud and annoyed manner, they will most likely refuse to listen to you.
- Parents may use words children don’t like: Some words like ‘You’ seem like directly attacking someone’s character. Similarly, ‘If’, ‘Why’, ‘No’, ‘Don’t’, and ‘Can’t’ are also the insulting words. Your children may not like this, and it makes their behavior rebellious.
- Parents lecture kids all the time: Usually, parents think that they have authority to do all the talking and children are too young to say anything wise, so they don’t bother to listen to their kids which makes them even more stubborn.
- Parents are bossy: To tell their children that they are the rule, parents use coercion in their speech without knowing that this will not do anything good.
- Frequently repeated requests and reminders: It is common for children to think that they can do anything like adults. When they are repeatedly told to do something, it gives them the idea that you are trying to control them, so they choose not to listen to you and some of them may also shout back at you.
- Parents are not a good role model: Children adopt what they see and follow the actions instead of what they are told to do. If you yell, they will also yell, if you hit them to get obeyed, they will also learn to hit for getting what they want.
- Unresolved issues with parents: Children often complain that their parents don’t have time for them. This leads them to a phase in their life when they share their feelings more with their friends than you. If they don’t get enough attention, then they will never be able to listen to you.
- Medical reasons: Some children have difficulty in concentration and also they may have a hearing problem. Get your child to a specialist for a complete checkup.
- Never accepted as an individual: Every child has his own individuality. Some of the parents never try to find their abilities and so, let their children down because they want to be treated in their own way. As a result, they become disobedient.
How To Be A Better Parent Without Yelling?
Children need to be treated with specific rules and regulations set up by the parents beforehand. In addition, there are certainly other ways to keep your kid disciplined which you can find useful. Some of these are mentioned here for your help:
If you shout at your child often, look for the reasons which brought you to this point. For instance, if you yelled because he did not listen to you the first time, practice some alternatives for giving instructions. If you are shouting out of frustration, take a self-time out, control upsetting thoughts and discipline him calmly (unless he had created a real mess). This is how you can deal with the situation simply by taking deep breaths and calming yourself down.
Set Household Rules:
You have to make clear rules for your house. Make sure that your child understands these rules and follow them. For this purpose, you can display all the rules in the written form somewhere they are visible to your kid. In order to make him follow your instructions, you can set a punishment for breaking the rules, like “no TV for the rest of the day and stay in your room” etc. In this way, you will be able to resist the urge to yell at your child.
Discuss the Punishments Beforehand:
When you establish your household rules, make it clear to your child that there will be consequences for breaking them. Discuss with him all the punishments you can give him before the time so he can choose what he should do and what he shouldn’t. Surely, a child knows what is best for him. If he still doesn’t listen, do what you have told him in that case.
Pose Suitable Warnings:
Instead of yelling at him, try warning your kid in low and firm tone. Yelling shows that you are helpless and now you are trying void things. This will make him ignore you. Moreover, loud voice is often difficult to be heard and understood, so he will prefer to tune you out. However, when you speak to him in a firm voice, it will tell him that you mean what you are saying and will do it too.
Exercise The Consequences:
Avoid being annoyed with your kid or warning him over and over again. It will make him underestimate the value of your words. Instead, warn him only once and if he doesn’t listen to you, follow through with the consequences. For example, if he didn’t do his homework even after your warning, take away all the electronics until he finishes the homework. This will teach him a lesson not to disobey you again.
Introduce A Reward System:
Always applying the negative consequences can make your child stubborn. You should also appreciate him for showing good behavior. If he followed all the rules, reward him and admire him to keep him going this way. You can also set a reward system along with the rules. Sticker Charts are helpful for younger children and Token Economy System is regarded as an excellent behavioral therapy for older ones.
Always Be A Mediator:
The situation at home becomes worse and difficult to handle when children start fighting with each other and you have to admit that it happens all the time. So, in this case, your position matters a lot. If you start yelling or hitting them at that point or if you take sides, they may stop fighting but will hold grudge against each other.
Thus, no matter who started it, you shouldn’t take sides. Either you stay out of the matter or play an arbitration. Negotiate with them and resolve the issue wisely. This will make their bonds with each other and you even stronger and they will also learn from you to deal with the tricky situations.
Be A Friendly Parent:
Growing children need someone to hear what they have to say. Especially, the teenagers are very sensitive about the behavior and attitude of their parents towards them. So, be the best friend of your kid and listen to him. When you are friendly enough, he will tell you everything that is happening in his life and also, he will respect you and care about you. The stronger the bond between you and your child, the better you will be able to handle him.
Use Clever Language:
Usually, children are not that good to understand the tricky words. Try to tame your kid by your words, not your hands. Make the assignment that you give him, exciting to do. Use sentences like “I wish I had some help doing the….” or “What else do you have to do before you……?” etc. because children love to think that they are old enough to help you. So let this thought strengthen if it makes your work easier.
Explain Your Behaviour:
Sometimes, children are a nuisance and they take you to the verge when you shout at them and sometimes hit them. It’s completely fine and these meltdowns are common. The real problem starts when parents think that they are the authority and apologizing will take that away from them. So, no matter how sorry they are, they never tell their child.
Remember that you are a human and parents can also do mistakes sometimes. When you do something wrong, admit it to your kid and explain yourself. Let him know that you didn’t mean to do it and if he behaved himself, you wouldn’t have done that. This will not decrease your importance but increases it and he will be able to obey you out of love and not fear.
Good health is necessary for both you and your child to maintain the calm atmosphere of your home. It is seen that children who are under-fed and under-rested, become more and more fretful. Similarly, if you are not in good health, you will be annoyed easily with your little one. Thus, make sure that both of you are having a nice balanced diet and a good night’s sleep.
How To Get Toddlers To Listen Without Yelling?
When your little one starts to walk and talk, the major problem is to make him listen to you. The brain of a 2 or 3-year-old is not that developed to understand what older children can follow through easily. Their Prefrontal Lobe (part of the brain involved in activities like thinking, understanding, following the lead, and behavior etc) is still underdeveloped and they cannot register what you want them to do. Then, how to discipline them? Here are some of the tips to follow:
Look At Your Child While Talking:
All of us have a habit of talking to people without looking at them. It’s okay most of the time because they can understand who you are talking to, but a toddler cannot understand such complications, especially when he is busy in doing something else. Therefore, when you chose to talk to him, make eye contact to let him know that you are talking to him and also to make sure that he is listening to you and not busy somewhere else. In this way, he will be able to understand you better.
Be Calm With Your Young One:
If you are always shouting and glaring at your child, it will develop a sense of fear in him attached to your personality. Whenever you try to talk to him, he will be so afraid that he won’t be able to control his own emotions and behavior and thus will learn nothing. So, your shouting will not be least helpful in the learning he will do in his years to come. Instead, be calm and talk in a friendly way and he will do all that you want.
Communicate With Him:
Communication is the best way to create the bond of friendship with your little one. When children learn to talk, they need an audience to hear their thoughts. That’s why you will find your toddler questioning all the time about everything that comes into view. Pay attention to what he says and try answering his questions because ignoring them will develop in him, an urge to seek attention by any means whether wrong or right. If you are a friendly mom or dad, your lad won’t do anything without your permission.
Acknowledge His Requests:
2 or 3-year-olds are usually not logical enough and they will say or demand a lot of illogical stuff. They just follow their instincts because they are not old enough to know the answer to ‘WHY’. So, what you have to do is to acknowledge your child and then gently specify your limits (like ‘OK, if you don’t want to do this, fine, we’ll do it together after an hour). This will convey the message to him without any fuss that you won’t take a NO for an answer.
Listening Is A Fun:
Use playful language and exciting games to make listening to fun for your preschooler. It will teach him to pay attention in a way he will not know that he is learning. For instance, play games like that interest him and he will do what you want (such as, if he is not allowing you to change his clothes, tackle it by his favourite rhyme, “if you’re happy and you know it shout ‘HURRAH!’” and then you will be able to take his shirt down when he lifts his arms).
Do The Consistent Parenting:
Do not ever give in to your child. If you denied doing something earlier, don’t agree with it later just because you are irritated by his pleading and crying. Some parents give this excuse that they are doing it “this once” but they don’t know that their “this once” will encourage him to try the same stubborn attitude again and again.
Make firm rules and act upon them whether your child likes it or not. Also, both mom and dad must be on the same page regarding the discipline. So, it is necessary to discuss the matter with each other before setting up the rules. Neither parent should interfere with the other when s/he is scolding the child for breaking the rules.
Don’t Be Bossy All The Time:
When you shout at your kid or frequently use the harsh words like ‘don’t do it’ or ‘stay away from this’, your 3-year-old will learn to tune these shouts out and your words will lose their impact. Remember that it’s not the words but the tone they notice. So, your constantly harsh threats will not make them behave anymore.
Figure out what you have to say and how loud your tone should be, and then, save it for the special occasions when neither of your other tactics are working. This will tell them that you have the command here and they cannot always do what they want.
Avoid Words Like ‘Don’t’ And ‘Stop’:
A preschooler is unable to understand the meaning of certain words. No matter how much you tell them not to do it, they don’t understand what you want them to do. When their hands are busy, their brain is focused on completing that task and so, they won’t be able to hear anything even if you shout.
If you want your kiddo to stop doing certain work, go to him, gain his attention (for example, if he is eating soil, talk to him like, ‘Is my baby eating something?’), then redirect him to an alternate task (‘Aww… It’s not good to eat. Why don’t you taste this instead? Mm.. It’s so yummy). It will save you a lot of strength and time.
Above mentioned were some of the ways we could think of to keep children behaved without hitting them or shouting at them. Did you bring up your children like this? Are you still having problems with the bringing up? Share your experience with us in the comments section below. Do you have some better ideas? You can tell us about that too because your suggestions are always welcome.