How To Deal And Fix The Feeling Of Being a Failure As a Parent?
Parenting is not a piece of cake and you will find that all the promises that you made to yourself, are not being kept lately. You will think that you are completely failing as a parent. It is not the case though. If you talk to other parents, you will see that there are many similarities in your situations. Technology has proved to be the icing on the cake. It definitely made your work a little easier by different machines but also heightened the sense of competition, making your life a misery as a parent.
We are running a race nowadays and parents are the ones who are mostly worked up in such circumstances. Sometimes, parents may be so distressed by all this, that they even think that children are not something that they are capable of handling. Thus, feeling like a failure as a parent is not only your problem.
Moments When You Feel Like A Failure:
When children grow up, they will learn how to deal with different situations in their life. These are the days when you often face the parent failure thing because you cannot complete your jobs of the day. Especially, being a parent of a teenager is something very difficult for you to deal with. Some of these moments (and they come often) make the situation worse:
When You Find Impossible To Comfort Your Baby:
Sometimes, your baby starts crying and you can’t make her wailing stop. You check her diaper; it’s clean, she is not hungry, not tired but still keeps on crying and crying. At that time, you can’t help but to think yourself a failure and feel like crying with her.
When Your Child Fails To Achieve Something:
Failing in life is something that is inevitable. You cannot keep succeeding without failing even once. When your child fails to do something or doesn’t show the results you expected, you feel that you are failing your child and not doing the best for him that you can. You want him to be the best of all (except that it is not possible as we all are humans) and so, you are disappointed and blame yourself for all this.
When You Can’t Fulfil Your Goals:
At times when you are tired or exhausted, you are unable to complete the tasks of the day that you planned. At that moment, you may think yourself as an inefficient parent for not getting the job (for example, making your child his favorite lunch or playing with him) done and saying NO to your child.
When You Get A Little Lenient And All Goes Wrong:
There are moments when you don’t bother to look what your children are doing, because you are so tired already and you don’t want to look after them for a few hours, and they do something very wrong, like hurting themselves or messing up something important. You couldn’t look after them and that’s why you failed to be a good parent!
When You Are Frustrated:
You worked so hard all day or just returned from your job exhausted and you find your child doing a mischief, you yell at him or hit him hard, ruining all the hard work you have done all day to make your family happy. Another fail!
When Your Kid Is Hurt:
Kids hurt themselves often and it is something that you can’t avoid happening. When your kid is hurt, he falls or injures himself in a way you could have prevented, you think that you are failing as a parent.
When Your Child Disappoints You In Front Of People:
You want your children to behave ideally in public so nobody questions your parenting. When your kid does something like playing with mud or watching his favorite show on TV in front of your guests or starts crying in the market for something, then you scold him, hit him or give him a timeout. Later, you feel sorry for him and you consider yourself a failure because you couldn’t manage the situation.
When You Say NO To Him:
There are times when you have to refuse your child for something he longs for, no matter how reasonable his request is. There can be many reasons like you are tired sometimes, or you don’t have or don’t want to spend money, or maybe it’s the time management. Whatever the reason is, you think that you have failed your kid by saying NO to him.
When You Can’t Spend Time With Your Family:
You are completely exhausted after doing your day’s work or when you come back home from your job. At that moment, your kid wants you to take him to a park or play with him or spend some time with him and help him with his homework, but you can’t find enough strength for this so you refuse to him. Later, you think about it, regret your decision and then, you start thinking that you are failing him.
When You Listen To Others:
Parents, especially moms, have a habit of sharing everything they do to their children for their good. When you listen to these ideas or read an article on the Internet about something that you must do to your children and you try to apply them to your kids without knowing their feelings (like, finish whatever is put in your plate etc), you regret it later when you find that forcing kids to do something damages their self-esteem. So now you don’t understand what to do and you think that you are not suitable for the job.
When You Compare Yourself With Other Families:
You have a community and a social circle. When you see other families happy and cheerful on social media or see your friends spending time with their family and managing their work as well, you feel that you are totally incompetent and unqualified for the parenting because you can’t manage it the way they are doing it.
When You Resent Your Children:
It seems a little shameful to admit but a time comes when you resent your children. Regardless of how many children you have, your life has become miserable after becoming a parent. When you were single or without children, you did what you wanted and spent your life according to your wishes. When you think back, you sometimes (exhausted and frustrated) resent their presence in your life. That is a failure (according to you)!
How To Cope With The Feeling Of Being A Failure?
The first thing you have to do is to know that your children love you and they can’t live without you. All the negative you think is because of the hard work and exhaustion. It is proven that when you are tired, your brain thinks more negative than positive and convince you to give up. Here are a few suggestions for dealing with the problem:
Negative Feelings Are Vain:
If you are always pessimistic, you can hardly move on. It won’t do any good to your children. Rather than that, it will affect them in the long run as you have become static with all these emotions and can’t help your children in any way. So, thinking like that is completely useless.
You Are “The Best” For Your Children:
You surely have your reasons for thinking yourself a failure but no one else can be as good to your children as you are. It’s because you brought them into this world and you know them better than others. All they want from you is to support them, love them and motivate them. If you are doing this, you are the best parent in this world.
Understand Your Children:
When your child misbehaves, it does not mean that this is the result of your behavior. Children’s behavior is not always (sometimes, yes!) the demonstration of what their parents do. Sometimes, it is also possible that your child is disturbed, or attention seeking or tired or maybe he is going through some psychological difficulties. Instead of blaming yourself, go to him and listen to his reasons. Then, you can better understand what is happening.
Your Kid Has His Own Identity:
Just because you were a brilliant student or a good athlete doesn’t mean that every one of your children will be the same. Accept that every person has his own identity and abilities that define him and he cannot become someone he is not. Until your son or daughter is doing his best and he is a good person, you are doing your job well. End of story!
Give Yourself Some Space:
Don’t compare yourself with other families. They certainly have their own issues that you don’t know. When you see the happy picture of a family, it doesn’t mean that their life is a list of all cheers. You try to achieve all of that and doing this, you ruin your life because it is a fact that you cannot do everything at once. Give yourself some space and let your children judge how good you are, not an outsider.
You Are Not Perfect:
You are just a human and you will do mistakes. You can’t be perfect like a robot doing everything at once without a flaw, and you don’t want to be a robot because it cannot be a parent with the love for children. So, accept the reality and deal with it. Ask help when you want to; if something has gone wrong, leave it and move on; do your best and your job is done. All of this does not mean that you are weak, it simply means that you are human.
When you lie down at night, don’t think about all the things you messed up during the day. Put all of this behind your back and move on. If you still feel upset, think about all the moments (there definitely were a few during the day) when you enjoyed with your children and you made them smile. This way, you will feel better.
Focus On Your Health:
You can’t help your family if you are in bad health. Keep in mind that if you are under-rested and underfed, you will be stressed and exhausted more than usual and this will cause the meltdowns frequently. Take timeouts for yourself and relax. Go to a picnic with your family, read a book or sleep plenty by going to bed early. If you are happy, you can make your children happy.
Don’t feel guilty to talk about your feelings. Tell your partner or other parents that you know, about your emotions and problems related to parenting. You will be surprised to find out that you are not alone. All parents feel the same way at some stage of their lives. Especially, the teenagers make you feel that you are the worst parent in the world but you will feel good to know about other parents’ feelings and will be better able to cope with the situation.
Look For A Professional’s Help:
No matter how hard you try, sometimes you can’t get away from the pessimistic thoughts like being a “Good for Nothing” parent, and a failure, and then, all the negative thoughts will overcome the positivity in your life. In this case, you should seek medical help. It’s not shameful to go to a psychological expert and talk to him about your weaknesses. He’ll be better able to help you.
Don’t Compromise On Discipline:
Discipline is the soul purpose of parenting. Your job is to specify the limits for your children and make them follow your lead to become a better person. If you follow up with the consequences of breaking the rules, it does not mean that you are a bad parent. Don’t let them do everything they say just because you don’t want to be a bad parent. It will not be good for them either, and spoiling your kids is worse than failing as a parent.
Plan For Improvement:
If you care enough about being a failure as a parent, it means that you love your children and you can improve yourself. When you find that you scolded your kid for no reason, don’t just sit there and feel sorry for him. Go to him and explain yourself. Your apology will not spoil him. Instead, he will feel loved and cared. If you punished him for being a nuisance, leave him alone for some time until the matter is settled down and then reconnect with him in a way he won’t notice.
You cannot be someone else even if you try hard. So, be content with the self you are now and try to fix the situations instead of being depressed. Calm yourself down and keep it the way you are going because you will see that everything turns out to be good in the end. Whenever you experience a screwed up day, just remember that the whole period of childhood is going to make their character, not just one bad day.
Did you face pessimism occasionally when your children were young or are you still having problems with your parenting? Were we helpful to you in easing some of your worries? Share your experience of being a parent with us. Also, any suggestion or advice is always welcome.